Scream of Consciousness

My mom has been gone for twenty-four hours. And the crazy thing is, time is just going to keep on marching along. Soon, it will be forty-eight hours, and then a week, then months and years. The amount of time between her last breath and the current moment is just going to continue to expand. It will grow, infinitely.
There is no preparing for this kind of thing. Sure, most people are vaguely aware that, statistically, they’ll probably outlive their parents. When a parent is sick, that possibility feels more explicit, more tangible. When a parent is dying, that possibility is utterly suffocating. You live with it hanging over your head, pervasively winding its way into your every thought. And the worst part is that it doesn’t matter. Because, no matter how much you’ve thought about it and worried about it and cried about it, it still takes your breath away when it happens. It still leaves you feeling like a fucking astronaut, floating in space, realizing that someone has cut your tether and now you have no way back to comfort and safety.
My mom was my comfort and safety. No matter how sick or tired or stressed out she was, she would listen to me complain and try to help me put things into perspective. She had a way of being the most chaotic and most calming presence in my life, simultaneously. I don’t know how to do this without her. People talk about not knowing what you have until it’s gone, and it sounds trite. Cliche, even. But there is so much truth to it. My mom used to apologize for relying on me so much, and I always waved it off. Of course she could lean on me, don’t even worry about it. I never really stopped to consider how much I relied on her in return, until today, when I subconsciously thought about calling her to tell her about how hectic things have been, no less than five times.
And it wasn’t until today, as I dug through a box of old notes and photos, that I really gave very much thought to who my mom was a whole person, not just as the person she’s been for the last ten years. She was a baby, as evidenced by the immunization booklet from 1962 that I found bearing her name. She was a kid, who made her mom homemade cards with crayons and glue sticks and tissue paper. She was a teenager that hung out with her friends and went to concerts. She was a bride, smiling and radiant on her wedding day. She was a daughter, who went through the same agony of losing her own hero as I’m experiencing right this second.  She had history. She had wisdom. She had thousands of shades of gray.
She lived twenty-six years of her life without me. But, I had never lived a second of mine without her. Not until twenty-four hours ago.

Breaking the Habit

Hey, all. It’s me, your friendly, neighborhood bad blogger here.
Giving up on projects has been a lifelong bad habit of mine. I’ve started more books and blogs than I can remember. I dive into a project with so much hope. I work on it day and night. And then some minor obstacle comes up. One of the kids is sick. I have an IEP meeting to prep for. My husband has to work overtime. I help a friend move. I miss a day of writing. I jump back in, telling myself that it’s okay. Life happens, and I just need to find my groove again. I don’t like the way a post is reading, so I start it over. The next day, I still can’t seem to get it right. I miss another day. And another. I have a bad week. And before I know it, it feels almost embarrassing to keep trying. Isn’t it easier to just archive the evidence and try to forget about the failure? Well, sure. But as I get older and become more accustomed to this “life” thing that we’re all attempting, I am learning that “easy” isn’t always…well, easy.
One of the prompts on the list that Ali and I compiled was to discuss a bad habit that we wanted to break this year, and I fully intended to use this blog as both a vehicle to shift my nature, and proof that I had, in fact, overcome it. Really, my goal was more about creating good habits than breaking bad ones, but those concepts are kind of two sides of the same coin, yes?
Well, as the second half of 2018 rapidly approaches, and I am still able to count my published blog posts from this year on my fingers, my brain is sending up its default white flags. Typically, this is the point where I would accept defeat, quietly delete posts, and deactivate my Instagram, and tell myself that it’s okay because nothing bad can come from dropping this one project. No one is counting on me.
I can rationalize until the cows come home, and maybe even feed them my innumerable excuses. I mean, I’ll still be constantly stressed out over my unsuccessful blog, but at least the cows can offer tea and sympathy.
They say that the first step to solving a problem is recognizing that it exists. I am an expert problem existence recognizer, but like so much else in my life, I usually lose interest after the first step.

Not. This. Time.

Puzzling it Out: An Autism Story

Today is World Autism Awareness Day.
While the world at large is made “aware” of autism today, here in our house, we are aware of autism every moment of every day. Autism is pervasive, in that it affects multiple systems of the body, but also in that it affects every part of our lives.

My son was one of the most social, easygoing babies I have ever met. He hit all of his milestones on time, even early, in some cases.


I have spent my entire life hearing that I was a brilliant little kid (imagine peaking at age four), and people who knew me back in my glory days often remarked upon how he took after his mama.
At seventeen months, he began to point out and identify letters and numbers. If you’ve spent a lot of time around small children, as I had, being a daycare provider, you know that this is peculiar. I was teaching Pre K at the time and I had plenty of completely typical kids who still struggled with letter and number recognition.
By some coincidence, while this was happening, a facebook friend of mine posted about her son’s hyperlexia and its relation to his autism diagnosis. Somewhat nervously, I mentioned this to a coworker at the daycare center and she laughed. “Jamey? No way. He’s just really smart.” Mollified, I let the idea go.
Right around that same time, Jamey began biting other kids at daycare. Having worked in the industry for a decade, I had seen my fair share of serial biters, but it is a different animal entirely when it’s your usually sweet, loving baby who is inflicting bodily harm on unsuspecting kids. Nothing worked to curb it. There was no method to his madness, no way to predict when he was about to attack. I can’t remember ever feeling that helpless in my entire life. Eventually, my director suggested I contact early intervention. There was some buck-passing regarding who could work with him, as I lived and worked in two different areas of coverage and, before it was sorted out, the biting had let up. When I gave birth to my daughter a couple months later, I left the daycare center to stay home with the kids.


By the time Early Intervention came out to evaluate Jamey, he had just turned two. During the initial visit, the specialist asked if I had any concerns about autism. I mentioned the early letter recognition, but said I wasn’t terribly concerned. She said, rather convincingly, that she wasn’t either.
At some point in the next year, however, it became glaringly obvious that we had been mistaken. He began to exhibit behaviors that are frequently attributed to autism, the “red flags” that I had learned to keep an eye out for while working in the early childhood field. He stopped playing with toys, preferring to line them up, or hold them up in his peripherals to examine them closely. He became prone to meltdowns, flapping his hands, and dropping to the floor. He began to fixate so intensely on what he was doing/thinking, that it was essentially impossible to get him to focus on anything else. He stopped communicating, and began speaking only in lines from Sesame Street episodes. By the time he hit his third birthday, there was nary a doubt left in my mind that he was on the spectrum, though it would be nearly a year before we would get in to see a developmental pediatrician, who would confirm it.

There’s a cliche in the autism community “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” It’s meant to convey what seems as though it should be the apparent fact that people on the spectrum are not a monolith. Like any other population, they are individuals with their own set of skills and challenges. While there are hallmarks that most autistic people have in common, autism means something different to everyone affected by it.

In our house, autism means a constant, epic war between routine and chaos.


It means that we never know what time we’ll finally be able to go to bed. It means striking a balance between giving in and standing our ground. It means that we can’t always get out and do the things we want, because our lives and plans revolve considerably around what kind of day Jamey is having. It means that there is constant noise. It means repeating ourselves a million times and sometimes still not getting the intended result. It means feeling like we are constantly on the defensive, because the general population doesn’t understand people like Jamey. It means enduring unsolicited advice from every armchair expert on the planet. It means digging deep and finding patience when we feel like we’re at the end of our respective ropes. It means worrying endlessly about what the future holds for him and crying at the thought of what would happen to him if we died. It means that there are days where the autism wins.
It also means snuggles, and lots of them. It means watching the shocked, impressed looks on people’s faces when they hear someone as small as Jamey spelling words at the grocery store, or doing subtraction at the playground. It means being immensely proud of things that most parents take for granted, like mastering a basic self-help skill, or greeting someone without being prompted.


It means laughing to the point of tears over something dreadfully simple because his laughter is so infectious that I can’t help but join in. It means accepting that my four year old’s knowledge of certain subjects is already more vast than my own. It means feeling like my heart may explode from how fiercely I love this little human who keeps me up all night and throws his dinner on the floor. It means that I would not change a moment of this crazy life or a single hair on this little boy’s head.

If you’d like to learn more about autism, or support an organization that cares more about autistic people than lining their pockets and fear-mongering, check out ASAN.

A Series of Unfortunate Events that Have Kept Me from Blogging for Six Weeks

Miss me yet? I know, I know. I have been positively dreadful about keeping up with my blog lately. I have a million and one excuses, but most prominent is that my typical routine has been so disrupted by illness and inclement weather, that I haven’t had a normal week since before February vacation. And I am, undoubtedly, a creature of habit. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t touched my bullet journal or my novel in the last six weeks either.
But enough with excuses. Back to blogging!

Walking in a Cold, Soggy, Windburnt Wonderland

I have spent all thirty of my years living in New England. For someone so very accustomed to winter weather, you would think I may have adapted by now. You would be mistaken. I hate shoveling. I hate slush. I hate having to bundle up (and re-bundle…because I ditch all my cumbersome cold-weather gear any time I am in an enclosed space). I hate my car being encased in salt and ice. I hate dressing my kids in super cute clothes that no one gets to see under their coats (this one may be a me problem). I hate my heating bill. But the winter isn’t all bad. Just like 95% or so.

Here are the very few redeeming qualities that winter possesses for me:


Football. Fall always gets all the credit with football fans, and yes, the rush that comes from the beginning of the season is brilliant, but c’mon. Play-offs. Super Bowl. Pro Bowl (jk fuck the Pro Bowl).
Of course, being a Pats fan nearly always pays off come January, so I may have more of a reason to appreciate winter football than most.


Christmas. You know those jackasses who start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving? Don’t worry, I’m not one of those. I’m actually one of those even more annoying jackasses who starts playing it the day after Halloween.  This year, I’m pretty sure I spent approximately 5% of my life wandering through the holiday displays at Target and Homegoods, soaking in the magic.




Hygge. If you’re not familiar with the Danish concept of hygge (unexpectedly pronounced (HEW-gah), it’s basically a hipster-y way of saying coziness. Yes, there’s more to it than that, but the pseudo-bastardized American version mostly means a plethora of blankets and socks and low lighting and greenery and warm beverages, all of which I am rather fond of.

Quiet snow. There is something unbelievably peaceful about snowfall. I’m not talking about blizzards, which account for most of the snow we get around here. I mean the kind of snow that falls gently and muffles the sound of the world.


Signs of spring. This is a bit of a gimme, but there is something so hopeful about little hints that spring is on its way. Technically we only just past the halfway point Screenshot_20170409-175134of winter last weekend, but we all agree that winter sort of unofficially runs from December through February, and that March is like a transition into spring, right? Last Monday was Truck Day for the Red Sox, which means that baseball is just around the corner. Local photographers are already starting to book their spring mini sessions. We’re only about a month away from the start of Daylight Savings Time. It’s coming, guys.

And Now His Watch Is Ended

I used to be an avid reader. I was the kid who would camp out with a flashlight under the blankets after the lights were out and stay up half the night because I just needed to know what happened next. Just one more chapter. The one who read ahead in class. The one who broke out a book whenever I had free time. However, like most things that I once enjoyed, it has taken a backseat to parenting. With two small, very busy children, I simply do not have a lot of time to myself. And when I do have time, the peace is usually too short-lived to dig into a good book. But I sorely missed reading.
A few years ago, I discovered the closest thing to a compromise that exists: audiobooks. Sure, you miss a few things that you get from reading the book (like the ability to assign your own tone/intent to characters’ words), but I think you gain a few worthwhile things, as well. There is a wonderful performance aspect to it. And you can take in a story while folding laundry or cleaning the playroom or driving your kids all over creation.
Prior to subscribing to Audible, I had made several attempts at reading A Game of Thrones. I enjoyed the show and I knew I would enjoy the books. But as much as I loved the story and the writing, it was simply too complicated for me to keep up in between screaming at parenting my kids. After reading the first five chapters, for the billionth time, I decided to try out the audiobook.
Screenshot_20180208-090722I was instantly hooked. The narrator, an acclaimed British actor who I had somehow never heard of named Roy Dotrice, was incredible. He had a unique voice for every one of the 200+ characters and read the book the way I expect it was meant to be read. It was dramatic and passionate, and I couldn’t get enough of his performance. I went on to download the entire series, and have since listened to it four times.
Whenever  I have heard people complain about GRRM dragging his feet on Winds of Winter, my thoughts have drifted to Roy, wondering if he would live long enough to narrate it, because truly, I cannot imagine anyone doing half as good a job.

Last night, I was on my favorite online forum and someone mentioned that they were listening to the ASOIAF books for the first time. I was typing a reply, and I googled Roy to figure out his exact age (I knew it was ninety-something) and I found out that Roy had passed away in October.
I felt stunned. I felt hollow. I felt bereaved. And, in truth, I also felt a little ridiculous. After all, I had never met this man that I am currently crying actual tears for. I hadn’t even followed him closely enough to realize that he had died.
But I had spent more than 800 hours listening to his voice. He had gotten me through long drives and dark days. He had lulled me to sleep countless times. He had given life to a story that has come to mean more to me than I had ever anticipated. We shall never see his like again.

Please Be Prompt

I have a secret. I am not as creative as I pretend to be. My mind works in a very peculiar way and while I often have original ideas, I struggle quite a bit with developing  and connecting them to create something.
I spent a lot of time learning this about myself. It was really hard to come to term with at the beginning. I had always thought of creativity as one of my defining characteristics. But if I was so creative, then how come I couldn’t finish my book? How could I have been a fabulous (and oh, so humble) writer in school but such a terrible blogger? It wasn’t easy to reconcile, but I knew I had to get to the bottom of it. Not writing was making me miserable.
The overarching theme of my 2018 resolutions was sapping misery from my life in any aspect where it existed, so I dove headfirst back into the blogosphere. I managed to write two posts in a week, and rewarded myself by purchasing my domain name. #superseriousblogger
And then, as I always do, I hit another wall. I tried writing good content. Really, I did. I have like, sixteen abandoned drafts going right now. But nothing was coming together the way that I wanted it to.

Well, enter Ali. Ali (or as her close friends call her, Bowerbird, By Ali), is the singular best person I met in my 20s. She and I have an awful lot in common, including a big ol’ soft spot for the written word. Ali, however, is far more creative and motivated than I am.
On more than one occasion, she has reached out in an attempt to get me to be her blog buddy (like a gym buddy, but like, without the sweat) and I always agree in the way you agree to catch up with an old friend that you bumped into at the grocery store “Oh my goodness, yes! We simply have to get together sometime!” You sincerely would love to, but you low-key know it probably ain’t happening. No malice, just realism, amirite?
In Ali’s latest effort to establish a symbiotic, mutual accountability type relationship, she struck gold. Writing prompts: the difference between starting from scratch and having some good bones to work with.

We had abstractly discussed it a bit on the night of my birthday, but we were both drinking gin, and I had sort of forgot the conversation had transpired until she texted me the following Monday to suggest that we try to find a list of prompts and work from it together. After searching for some time, it became clear that it would be harder to find the perfect list than we had anticipated. Well, what if we were to come up with our own list? It took some blood, sweat, tears, and ignoring my kids, but by that selfsame night, when we combined our lists, we had managed to scrape up 115 Prompts for Lifestyle Bloggers. Apparently, that’s almost a year’s worth of two-a-week posts ( I mean, I didn’t do the math but Ali seems the trustworthy sort).
Boom. Writer’s block: solved.

Well, without further ado, here are our 115 moderately interesting topics for the lifestyle blogger:

  • Recent purchase review
  • A day in snapshots/a day in the life with pictures
  • Try and review a current trend
  • Create and share a playlist for any occasion
  • Book review
  • Five polyvore outfits
  • 10 Gifts for a _________ fan
  • Try three different mascaras and review
  • Share your skill (tips)
  • Letter to teenage self
  • Go-to weeknight dinner recipe
  • Test and review cheap wines
  • A few favorite apps
  • Who you follow on Instagram
  • Tips for the recently engaged
  • Ikea Rast styling
  • Movie Review
  • Experience with religion (or lack thereof)
  • Live blog a TV event
  • Go screen free for an entire day (or as much as reasonably possible) and then blog about it
  • Rank season finales of Game of Thrones
  • Girls Night Out ideas
  • Spend a week learning a language you’ve never spoken before
  • The five worst kinds of facebook posts
  • Tried and true hacks (beauty, organizational, etc)
  • Your Meyers Briggs type and what you believe about it
  • 10 great books for [age group]
  • Great couples/group Halloween costumes
  • Review a “classic” book that you never read
  • TBT old facebook statuses/tweets/pictures/etc that are mildly embarrassing
  • Dream vacation (with real research)
  • X Amount of things that [profession] would like you to know
  • Letter to a bully from school
  • Album review
  • Learn about a badass woman who is not well known and write a report
  • Raid Your Closet post with pictures
  • The best and worst thing that happened this week
  • Create an Instagram challenge
  • Five websites that you spend the most time on
  • Write a poem
  • Unwinding routine
  • Funny twitter/tumblr post listicle
  • Pop Culture rant about something you don’t get
  • Spring Cleaning tips
  • Fun party games (no board required)
  • Least favorite character from a beloved show/movie/book
  • Vegan/vegetarian for a week
  • Try something new beauty-wise
  • Stuff you’re still hanging onto for nostalgia’s sake
  • Stocking stuffer ideas
  • First time customer review for a local business
  • 10 most attractive celebrities
  • Opinion on a controversial topic
  • Try to learn a new skill and document it
  • Favorite local business
  • Ten things you do when you’re alone
  • Holiday traditions in your family/important family traditions
  • Getting started in your hobby
  • Story of why you started blogging and meaning behind your name
  • Ten things about me
  • Travel bucket list
  • Favorite holiday and why
  • Me time/self care activities
  • Pics & writeup from a trip
  • Favorite piece of clothing
  • Tour of your bookshelf
  • Ten things I’m grateful for right now
  • Animated tv or movie characters you had a crush on
  • Introduce your family/what family means
  • Favorite spot in the house & why
  • Something you once hated and now like
  • Book you read as a teen that you still think about
  • Get your tarot read and write about it, even if you’re a huge skeptic
  • A bad habit you want to break this year
  • What you wish someone had told you before your wedding/planning your wedding
  • Describe a dream in full detail
  • Where do you see yourself in five years
  • Favorite bar/restaurant/coffee shop
  • DIY fail/diy mistakes
  • Favorite board game
  • What do you do when you host a gathering?
  • Favorite seasonal date
  • Favorite beauty product & why
  • Getting inspired when you’re in a rut
  • Products you swear by (any genre)
  • Favorite dessert plus recipe (or link to a recipe)
  • Favorite things about spring
  • Favorite things about summer
  • Favorite things about fall
  • Favorite things about winter
  • A regret
  • Have someone do a guest post
  • Do a 30 day challenge
  • Long term project you’re working on
  • Health PSA
  • Behind the scenes of your blog
  • Post about your take on the state of your current industry (blogging/parenting/writing; cooking/blogging/writing)
  • Tattoo story/tattoos you want to get
  • Create and share blogging mood board (or writing mood board for a specific writing project)
  • Freebie: we get to blog about this challenge that we’re doing
  • Late 20s vs Early 20s
  • Cocktail recipe
  • Holiday stress
  • Gift selecting process (not like things to buy but how you decide what to buy)
  • Share experiences/tips/reflect on current position
  • Relationship advice
  • Hardest thing you and SO went through together and how your relationship seemed stronger after
  • Mood playlist
  • Stress relief/dealing with stress/leaving stress behind
  • Bringing yourself out of a funk
  • Ways to bond with your SO
  • A car related memory
  • A sports (playing or watching) memory
  • Something from a long time ago that still pisses you off but isn’t that serious and you should probably let it go
  • Weird perfumes that you’d buy if they existed (like unusual smells that you love)

Pin it, share it, play along! And tell us what your favorite blog prompts are.